On Breaking the Cycle of Suffering

            How often do we hear the statement, “I had to do it, so they should have to do it, too,” or any of its variants? It is a statement used, most often, to justify maintaining a status quo which was an unpleasant or difficult experience for one or more generations of people. At its root, it comes from a place of frustration and unhealed pain, both of which are valid emotional responses. They are, however, antithetical to productive long-term policy making. It has been used consistently to avoid, and in some cases to outright fight against, altering existing procedures, both on the small scale, in things like businesses and academia, as well as within our larger social constructs, like political and economic policy. It creates a vicious, unproductive cycle in which those who are the victims of a flawed procedure use their suffering to perpetuate that which hurt them, in turn, when they are in a position to stop it, choosing instead to become the perpetrators who hurt the next generation. It is the reasoning of hurt children looking for someone to blame, or at least someone to punish, and we must put a stop to it.

            Rather than deciding that those who come after should suffer the same painful experience, is it not more rational to decide that, because you suffered it, action should be taken to change it so that it will be a better, more pleasant experience for those who come next? And it’s easy to say that, if they don’t like it, they can change it, but they have no more power without your help than you did the first time you found yourself facing a broken, hurtful system.

            It is not whining to express fear, nor is it weakness or coddling to show that you’ve learned from a painful experience and are capable of working to make it less so for the next generation, with the expectation that they, in turn, will do the same for those that come after. It will not make them weak. It will teach them to reflect, to be flexible, and to place empathy over retribution, teamwork over tradition. Connections will be stronger between generations when we work together to build something better, regardless of what that is, and what we build, then, will be stronger, as a result.

            So next time you find yourself wanting to preserve something, or deny something, to others because that’s how it was when you did it, take a moment, instead, to reflect on how it felt to be powerless and suffering and what it would have been like had someone established and in a position of greater power and influence reached down to say, “Here, let me help.” Then reach out that hand.