SOPA Blackout Causes Mass Hipsteria

In an unprecedented show of unity Wednesday, Americans across the political spectrum came together to protest Congressional legislation that would allow the government to edit the DNS in order to blacklist any website they felt could be used to promote piracy. Of course, the wording is sufficiently broad that it would allow shut downs of just about any site with a forum or personally-created items.

Thankfully, the American people, for a change, saw through this clever ruse, realizing that the only “people” helped would be corporations (the law says they’re people now, right?). The bills did nothing to help citizens and, in many cases, would do many actual harm, in the form of restricting sites that allow for the sale of goods and services and even going so far as to cut off information-sharing sites where like-minded individuals get together to do what the internet was created to do: share ideas and porn.

So, in response, large portions of the internet went black, restricting access to their sites and putting up banners explaining the bills, as well as how to contact representatives to express concern over their passing. While the effort is admirable, the restriction of instant access to information left one group of Americans in a state of panicked distress.

The subculture commonly referred to as “hipsters” woke up around noon on Wednesday to a nightmare. As they attempted to get their morning news, they found that site after site was talking about some government thing that everyone seemed to agree with and that they, by nature, could therefore not get behind. Even worse, without the internet’s forums and articles, they had no idea what opinions to have that day and, therefore, found themselves bereft of what to wear, to listen to, to complain about or, perhaps worst, to sneer at.

Many chose to spend the day locked indoors, huddling, shivering and naked for fear of wearing something that had fall out of style overnight, in the corner without the constant social validation of deriding the latest artistic sell-out or sheep-like trends with their coterie, all similarly dressed in the latest, most up-to-date distressed fashion. Others, driven out of the house by necessity, like a lack of PBR and cigarettes to get them through this trying, seemingly endless trial, found themselves in a world unfamiliar.

As they were forced to interact with people, they found every conversation to be a minefield, littered with questions that filled them with the existential dread. When asked if they wanted paper or plastic, they didn’t know whether environmentalism had become passé again. If queried about the weather, they weren’t sure if they were supposed to be snarky or cold. And, worst of all, if they were asked terrible, soul-shattering questions like what they thought about a particular book, song or television show, many chose instead to retreat into a catatonic state until the querent moved on rather than face the impossible choice of formulating an opinion that may or may not be supported by their elite peers.

So, when faced with the decision over whether or not to contact your congressional representatives regarding the upcoming vote on SOPA and PIPA, please remember the suffering of all these poor, directionless souls and why the internet must remain free and uncensored.